#Coolin 3/11/2016

coolin

Every now and then I like to go on Instagram and check out some of the posts under #Coolin. Real good crowd in there doing all types of different activities. From time to time I will highlight a few standouts in this series.

1

greek_the_god basking in the moment but also reflecting on his super lit night wearing a pokemon hat and 3 bandannas yo.

2

Got a European Bar Mitzvah coming up? I know a guy and I’m pretty sure he’s available.

3

Jug Life or die

4

forgot about the fact that this picture is being taken in the women’s department and realize that his username is “dadrianw_theoldschoolfiend86”

5

 One man wolf pack

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Maybe this guy and the wolf pack can meet up and become friends

7

Translates to “My little cool” 

8

Jellyroll letting the #coolin community know he is pretty deep in the friend zone

9

Raw. Sexual. Power.

10

If he’s always been a loner then who took the picture? 

11

You know this guys always #coolin because it’s literally in his name

12

Whose got it better than us? Nooooooobody!

  • there’s no chairs at the table
  • is the car on fire?
  • how did that umbrella fit in the car?
  • is that an axe in the ground?
  • is this the best picnic of all time?

 

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Civil War Trailer #2 ft. Spider-Man

I have been meaning to cover more movie news on here and for whatever reason I’ve been slacking. That L is on me, but from here on out I will pick up the pace. I have seen all of the Marvel movies to date except Ant-Man because I have no interest in a guy whose power is just to shrink. Hard pass. Plus we already made a movie about that in the 90’s.

As of this morning Marvel released trailer #2 for their upcoming Blockbuster Captain America: Civil War and it brings a lot of heat. This movie seems to feature almost everybody from Avengers: 2, except for Hulk and Thor. In this 2 minute clip we see a whole bunch of people:

Old Friends:

  • Captain America
  • Iron Man
  • War Machine
  • Hawkeye
  • Black Widow

Semi-New Friends:

  • Vision
  • Bucky (winter soldier)
  • Falcon
  • Ant-Man
  • Scarlet Witch

New Friends: 

  • Spider-Man
  • Crossbones
  • Zemo
  • Black Panther (Trump ’16 Supporter)

That’s a whole lot of stuff to wrap your head around and fit into one movie, which we have just been informed this will be the longest Marvel movie to date.

I don’t really care about the general plot of the movie as it seems like a of political shit about how the Avengers scare everybody and they need to be slowed down. Nobody is gonna see this thing for the plot anyways. This looks like it will take awhile to get going and the first hour or so will be slow, but I’m willing to bet that once we wade through the more boring political plot lines we will get some sweet sweet CGI action.

I’m also hyped to seem Spider-Man finally make it into one of these things. He is a first ballot super hero HOF’er with a lethal set of powers and a witty and sarcastic vocabulary. I would be all in favor of a Spider-Man/Deadpool crossover down the road.

With all of these trailers and movies being thrown at us, there is no better time than 2016 to be a comic book movie fan. We just had Deadpool, which exceeded the hype in my opinion and is a flat out fun movie to watch that you don’t need to take to seriously. Not to mention there are a ton of movies slated for release one after the other for years to come.

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Batman vs. Superman is up next. It looks like a flop to me and I don’t know you how in the world you can replace Bale with Aflec, but I’ll reserve judgment until I see it in a few weeks.

Very quick and not thought out list of best superhero movies so far:

  1. Dark Knight
  2. Guardians of the Galaxy
  3. Avengers 1
  4. Iron Man
  5. Deadpool

 

 

PS- Captain America sucks

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kraft Changed the Mac ‘n Cheese Recipe and Nobody Noticed

via CNN  “Notice anything different about your mac & cheese lately?

No? Don’t worry, nobody else did either.

 Kraft Heinz removed artificial preservatives, flavors and dyes from its mac & cheese recipe in December. To keep its yellow-orange glow, Kraft swapped out artificial food colors, including yellow 5 and yellow 6, for natural spices like paprika, annatto and turmeric.

The new mac & cheese also doesn’t use artificial preservatives. (It maintains the natural preservatives, however, including 1,710 mg of sodium, which is 72% of your daily recommended salt intake.) The company has sold more than 50 million boxes of the new mac & cheese so far.”

Well it’s pretty safe to say nobody saw this one coming. One of the oldest and greatest snack/drunk/high/poor people foods underwent a major overhaul and not one person noticed. They sold 50 million boxes and everyone was too stoned to noticed all that new paprika and annatto floating around in their bowl! Side note: if you are ever at the point in your life where you have to eat Kraft mac ‘n cheese off a paper plate it is time for you to seriously re-evaluate your situation.

Its actually pretty amazing considering the number of people who eat this stuff all the time and have no idea whats in it. However after some thought and careful research I have concluded you can say the same for almost every food label . Nobody actually reads the label and if even if you do there’s a fat chance you know what any of that stuff even means.

This past Sunday I was laying in my bed hungover, drinking some Body Armor in an effort to re-hydrate myself. Why Body Armor you ask? There are two reasons:

  • Kobe drinks it
  • It tastes good

You can apply that sales pitch to almost any product in the world and it will be a guaranteed best seller.

Back to Sunday. As I went to crack open my second bottle of the delicious fruit punch flavored sports drink, I asked myself, what the hell am I even drinking? First thing I did was read the ingredients label:

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“Nice ok we got some water in here and it’s filtered that sounds pretty good. Uh, cane sugar might be bad for me but it probably makes this thing taste good so whatever. Coconut water, that’s perfect now my hangover has no chance of survival! Uh we got some dipotassium something, well it says its an electrolyte and those give you energy I think. Couple more electrolytes, vitamins and juice stuff sounds all good I guess?”

I got about halfway through before I realized I had no idea what any of that stuff is at all, so I turned the bottle around:

body armor 2.jpg

That’s what I’m talking about. Plain and simple English. I know what all of these things are and I know they are all good for me. Fuck an ingredients list.

I don’t care if you’re Kraft, Body Armor, or any other company. Nobody knows what the hell they’re eating half the time anyways. As long as you can fool the FDA with fancy names for things on the ingredients label for stuff that is most likely bad for me, that works just fine.

I have no idea what ingredients this guys is using to make me a burrito at 2am, but I know that it’s gonna taste good. So what do I care what’s in my Mac ‘n Cheese? As long as it tastes good the majority of America will most likely continue to eat it.

 

Jedi With a GoPro Is Every Star Wars Fans Dream

I was doing some Saturday morning internet surfing and came across this reddit thread claiming to show someone using the force in 1st person. If you have ever seen Star Wars that 100% means you’ve always been a tad bit curious to try out what it would be like to have Jedi powers. Unfortunately, the reality is the closest most of us will ever get is waving our hand in front of the automatic doors when we’re walking into to a grocery store. No shame in admitting that by the way, we’ve all tried it at some point. It felt kinda cool for a second.

The gif alone is pretty cool showing what would happen to 99% of the Star Wars universe if they were to fight Darth Vader. He cuts your hand off, chokes you out 10 feet up into the air, and then slams you down into the ground so he can finish the job. Standard protocol, Darth being Darth.

However, this is only the tip of the iceberg. After diving a little deeper I found the two videos that the gif originated from, and they do about as good of a job as you possibly can having a 200 million budget and the best special effects team Disney can buy.

So far there are only two parts in the story:

 

The guy who made these videos definitely delivered. He gives you everything you could ask for, and showcases almost all the moves within the Jedi arsenal that your average Star Wars fan would want to try.

He force sprints..is that what you call it? I didn’t even know Jedi could do that. However you say it he sprints at super speed (non politically correct Star Wars term, deal with it). Dude also kills a shit ton of Storm Troopers either by reflecting their own lasers back at them, decapitating them, or my personal favorite just using the force and flinging them as far as he can.

The best part by far was him stopping the Tie Fighter mid flight, ripping the wings off, and then forcefully (see what I did there) ejecting him from the cockpit and tossing him away like a post masturbation kleenex.

All around a great couple minutes and a cool use of a GoPro that’s not your typical skiing or skydiving video. Blows my mind how people can make these types of videos. I have to google how to embed videos and gifs into a wordpress blog, and this guy is out here snapping necks and fighting Vader.

I wouldn’t mind seeing this type of POV technology used in an actual movie either. If a couple guys with a GoPro and some special effects software can make videos this good, imagine how sweet a theatrical version would be.

This Army Obstacle Course Is Insane

I’m so out of breath from watching that I don’t even know where to start. These guys come so hot out of the gates it’s hard to even fully appreciate how difficult these obstacles are.  They both get over that first obstacle in 6 seconds which is absolutely bananas, and they don’t even climb down the ladder! They just jump from the top, right into the sand pit. How those knees feeling? Then they full sprint, dive, and crawl under those ropes. That honestly was the most impressive part to me. How do they move so fast on all fours?

We get to leg two and both teams are pretty much neck and neck at this point, and these new guys both match the intensity. Pure upper body strength climbing over that log that’s about 8 feet high with no foot support. After that its a full sprint across a 10 yard balance beam, nbd. And on, and on, and on each obstacle tougher than the last.

These guys keep it pretty tight for most of the race and it blows my mind how good they are at some of this stuff. It would take me a good 45 minutes go get through that entire deathtrap, which is why I’m gonna go celebrate by eating a Costco hot dog and thanking God that these guys are on our side.

PS-Costco hot dog and soda for $1.50 is best food deal in the history of the universe.

Who Would Win? You vs. Male Gorilla

How do you think you could make out on a deserted island  by yourself while a gorilla is trying to kill you? If you want the answer to this question and others like it, I would highly recommend heading over to/r/whowouldwin as often as possible. Easily one of the sneaky best subreddits in the game. I guarantee they have a scenario that will peak your interest, especially if you’re looking to get a little procrastination in, which is why you’re probably reading this in the first place.

The name of the game over there is for users to propose a fictional match-ups/scenario in order to see how they would most likely play out. Dead or alive, real or fake anybody and everybody is in play. To give you a general idea here’s a few of their top all time posts:

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Yesterday I was scrolling through the a few different choices and I came a post from Houinator that really caught my eye. As you have probably figured out by now it involves you taking on male gorilla that is trying to kill you. Here is the exact situation we’re dealing with:

Gorilla

Pretty straight forward and pretty simple. Kill or be killed by this huge ass gorilla. Below are the top two answers from the thread, one involving a land kill, the other guys uses the water:

A 1

_________________________________________________________________

A 2

 

Most of the people who posted in the thread seemed to think the human would be killed every time and that definitely seems to be the most logical answer. I have no idea how to make traps or spears or a raft. I’m not Bear GryllsTo make it more fair I will change it to 48 hours prep time, a teenage gorilla, and you get a shovel and a hunting knife.

Even with those added benefits I still think the Gorilla takes this about 7.5/10 times. Seems like your only play here is to somehow drown the gorilla. I kinda like the idea of using the sharks against him, but I don’t see any scenario where that could happen. My move would be to make as many bamboo spears as I can as well as make some type of mini rock island that I could use to stand on throw spears and rocks at the Gorilla once he gets too far in the water. I assume gorilla’s aren’t the best swimmers in the world so hopefully he would be moving pretty slow out there and I could land a few spears at him, or better yet he would just drown. Maybe even just swim along the very edge of the reef and hope the gorilla crosses the line and gets eaten first.

I don’t think any type of spear trap in the ground would work either. There’s no way that I could dig a deep/big enough hole to trap that thing. He would probably be able to climb his way out like King Kong up the empire state building. Same goes for sitting in a tree and lobbing spears/rocks at it. Water has got to be the play here.

There also is a decent chance I could outlast the Gorilla on a starvation level. I assume he is only going to eat meat and it doesn’t seem like there a lot of food options for either of us, but I like my chances to either get a fish or some small animal to keep me alive for just a little bit longer.

Honestly if I could survive more than a week I would consider that a win. If it looks bleak I just swim out past the reef and accept my fate while I get absolutely shredded into a billion pieces by a swarm of tiger sharks.

 

2016 Investment Plan: Scratch Offs 2/23/16

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January Results

Nearing the end of month 2 and we have yet to see any ROI so far. In fact we are $74 in the hole. Completely underwater and sinking faster than a mafia corpse. I’ll tell ya I got the spirit of Bernie Madoff managing this investment strategy.

I tried to mix it up and pick a few different scratchers, but the CA lottery took me to the woodshed. Bent me over a barrel and showed me the 50 states. Rawdog with no vaseline.

Last nights bloodbath:

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(Tickets on the far right are in the “winning pile”)

  • 4 $1 monkey scratchers…only wining a free ticket
  • 3 $2 lucky numbers….0/3 on those and never buying them again
  • 3 $5 “Set for Life”scratchers….only winning a free ticket

$25 down the pipe. My only silver lining was on one of the $1 monkey scratchers and one $5 “Set for Life” I won a free ticket, so I had to waddle my ass back to the liquor store and pray to God that the 2 new tickets would come through for me. You can also just take the cash value as opposed to the free ticket, and in this case that equals out to $6. Anyone who takes that option should be shot in the face. There are millions up for grabs and you’re gonna walk away with $6? Chug bleach.

This was the first time I didn’t play with one of the books and it seems to have cost me. I saw an Instagram ad for “Set for Life” tickets and they sold me. The prize here is $20,000 a month for 25 years. Obviously that is gonna get heavily taxed, but having free money every month until I’m 50 wouldn’t be too shabby. My hook up at the liquor store said nobody has won big yet on the SFL’s so I’ll be keeping those heavy in the rotary.

They say February is one of the worst months for investors so I’m glad we waded through that shit storm. We’re on to greener pastures with March on the horizon. Would be nice for Uncle Sam to throw me a bone, but again this isn’t for the weak.

Persistence. Persistence. Persistence.

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Hood Olympics Just Got Real

Holy shit. I knew what was coming and that still blew my doors off. Hit me square in the face like Iron Mike. My man just hurdled a fence. I always thought the hurdles in track and field were too high, but Clark Kent over here just made me feel like even more of a below average white man. He basically jumped over 2 of those track hurdles stacked on top of each other.

Hard to tell how old this kid is, but if I had to guess it seems like he would be a freshman/sophomore in high school.Who knows I could be dead off. What I do know is that he just clean hurdled a fence that most Americans over the the age of 25 would have trouble climbing, and based on everything I know about the human body, this kid isn’t even close to his prime.

Get Uncle Wayne into the dunk contest one time, because my man has BOUNCE.

-PS.

Not sure which bar is higher, but the Kenyan High School High Jump Team could give Uncle Wayne a run for his money.

 

 

Youtube Throwback Thursday

Just an all around classic here. Wonder how many takes it took for my man in the track suite to nail that smile point combo. He seems like the type of dude to sit around that Ihop all day just getting free coffee refills and knows every employee on a first name basis.

Happens to look over and see Larry Fitz make a hands team play and can’t resist to show him some love. Huge smile, a power point, and a booming “Nice hands, Larry!” Gets me everytime.

 

This video speaks for itself. Pure gold start to finish. Can’t believe Marshawn is calling it quits when he has at least one more contract left in him, but at least he’s getting a shoutout in this super popular blog. Silver lining city.

 

Brutal draw for this kid. One minute you think you’re a hero and just going through the motions on a school tradition. Next thing you know you’re forever known who was aggressively jerking off into a bell. Everywhere you go you’re the masturbating bell guy. Wouldn’t surprise me if this dude hasn’t set foot in the state of Texas since.

Will You Press the Button Roulette: 2/10/16

Will You Press The Button is a website that dishes out unlimited hypothetical situations every time you refresh the page. It has been a saving grace for millions who have procrastinated their studying and/or a meaningless cube task.

The Rules: I will select 4 straight scenarios and then get stuck with one. No page refreshes allowed. Gotta take what the button gods give me.

  • Entering any fictional universe of my choosing sounds great on paper, but if you dive deeper I think I would just be my average-joe self but in ________ universe. Why would I want to keep being a moron, but with a different zip code. I could be in game of Thrones or Gotham, but I would still be a peasant. There’s gotta be like a fictional playboy universe that I’m missing out on here.
  • Being the smartest person on earth is a pretty bold statement. I guess it comes down to how ugly am I’m really gonna look. Are we just talking like your typical ugly high school band weirdo? Or is this more like straight up disfigured with missing body parts and stuff. Huge gamble here. Maybe I’m smart enough to invent something that makes me good looking? Honestly I’d rather be extremely good-looking and the dumbest person on earth.
  • If Morgan Freeman is commentating my life does that mean everybody around me can hear what he’s saying? That would make it pretty tough to go anywhere. Public bathrooms would be a no go. “And now he is taking a shit. Sitting down. Forcing and pushing. Grunting and moaning….” Don’t wanna be that guy for the rest of my life. Let alone watch the big bang theory. Hard pass here.
  • Nobody likes running. Nobody likes runners. Kenyans win every marathon as it is anyways so nobody would be impressed when I won anything and I’d be huge failure if I lost. Pass again.

So it comes to being a disgusting genius or living in a fictional universe. If I take the universes the only ones I would actually want to test out would be Harry Potter or Pokemon. The gamble is that you have to stay in them forever. Not exactly two strong choices there, but I guess it would be cool to have some magic or be able to make monsters fight each other.

As much being a very very smart person tempts me I’m not trying to gamble with this one. The phrase “extremely ugly” leaves too much to chance I ain’t trying to be severely grotesque for the rest of my life.

Give me Pokemon over Harry Potter. Most of the people in Harry Potter only know like 10 lame ass spells I don’t have time to worry about that prick Voldemort trying to take over the world every single year.

Give me a couple poke balls, train up a Gyrados and I’m off to the races.

 

 

What would you choose? Let me know @TheeWillKelly