2/3/16 Update: /r/baseball didn’t see the humor in it
A quality marry, fuck, kill debate can liven up any social situation. Don’t matter where you are, if you drop a hot take Marry, Fuck, Kill around a group of people you can kill 20 minutes easy. Sitting at a boring ass wine and cheese monday night bachelor view party that your woman dragged your ass to? Ask the girl next to you what her play would be if she had to pick between Oprah, Rosie O’Donnell, and Hillary Clinton. (money is a non-factor of course) and Boom! you’re off and running with a high quality topic.
Today’s breakdown takes us back to the golden age of the late 90’s. The collective youth of America dialed into our shitty ass computer screens with Windows ’97 running slower than Newman escaping that farm after he porked the farmers daughter.
There is only one rule: Money doesn’t count. Personality and looks are the only things were going off here.I present…Marry, Fuck, Kill: Backyard Baseball.
The candidates are as follows:
There were quite a few choices to select from but a man only has so many roses to give out so these are 3 were going with. Hearing a lot of rumors talking about a huge snub job not going with Jocinda Smith in the top 3 and even a few pulling the race card. Simply not the case, but she stays in the friendzone for this breakdown. Bye Felicia.
Candiate #1: Angela Delvecchio
Right off the bat Angela strikes me as a classic girl next door type. You’ve lived on the same street as each other your entire lives and you never gave her the time of day. She was always the gross chick who wanted to join in playing street sports with you and your buddies and it pissed you the fuck off cause you don’t need some annoying ass italian broad jamming up your wiffle ball game and making the teams uneven and shit. Take a hike, bitch. But then her mom starts talking to your mom and says how nice it would be if she could join. Alright fuck it you can be all time pitcher and we’ll just hit Yabos until we break her spirit and she goes home to choke on a cannoli. But suddenly she throws straight high heat and strikes you the fuck out in front of all your boys you’re embarrassed as fuck and now you hate the bitches guts even more.
Fast forward a few years and you notice one day she’s started to develop a little bit. Ditched the braces and the overalls and starts to look like a new person and you’re ashamed to admit that you were wrong. Only problem is she’s a pitcher on the softball team and she fuckin’ rakes! Scholarship offers to legit programs and shit. You could never be seen with this chick in public cause it would mean you’re dating the softball super star. No way to get away with it, brutal.
Candidate #2: Billy Jean Blackwood
“The Beauty Queen of the Bayou.” Been a smoke her entire life and she and everybody else knows it. She’s hot and her friends are hotter. Getting like 4-5,000 likes per post she’s insta-famous headed for internet superstardom if she wants it. Dumber than a brick, but nobody cares. Life handed to her on a silver platter and shit. You’ve jerked off to the thought of banging her more than once.
She can do whatever she wants forever. Gonna marry rich if she wants, get any job she wants just cause she’s hot, or just spend her dads money (ya she has a rich dad too). Played a little first base when she was younger, but now she’s obviously too cool to play sports or get a job. She spends her time hanging with old dudes with a better job than you and more money than you. While you’re in the office on a Tuesday she’s with Dan Bilzerian in Cancun shooting propane and propane accessories out of a helicopter.
Candidate #3: Gretchen Hasselhoff
A fast talking lefty whose Russian ass can hold her own in any situation. That is a lethal combo. On paper this commie has a hell of a stat sheet. She can only go all out and then give up due to exhaustion. There is no in-between, no moderation. She goes till she can’t anymore and then goes some more. A purebread sprinter and distance runner she had the best of both worlds and her track coach couldn’t get enough. Offered multiple times to stay late after school and her dad was right to tell him to fuck off, pervert. Speaking of her old man he is rumored to be in big the mob and a typical russian scumbag. Could be a distant cousin of Putins. Gretchen has all of her old mans traits and is skilled and proficient with multiple weapons, probably.
Gretchen doesn’t hang out with anyone you know and doesn’t seem to have any friends. She’s got a thick Russian accent and the ex KGB guy who drives her around everyday in a Black SUV doesn’t speak a lick of english. You’ve seen her out at the bars one time and it was with a whole bunch of dudes you’re not trying to approach anytime soon.
All 3 are strong candidates and you would probably fuck all of them if you had the choice, but that ain’t how this show runs. Life is fuckin’ tough and we all gotta make choices, and thats why I start off with killing Billy Jean Blackwood. Ya she’s hot and you would do anything to fuck her brains out for 8 seconds. This is a tough choice, yet the right one. She’s a huge bitch and used to fucking guys with way more money and way more experience…and if were being honest you don’t have the kind of hammer that cant satisfy an experienced whore like the “Beauty Queen of the Bayou”: Kill.
And then there were two. Both very fuckable, but there is an obvious choice. You have to plow the mysterious Russian mob daughter here. Few people on this planet will ever have the chance to get with this eastern block minx. She will talk in Russian to you the entire time and take you to another planet. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity that only a fool passes up. The icing on the cake her nickname is Jabber Jaw and you’d be wise to take a few shots of Stoli and let her prove that to you. JabberJaw: Fuck.
Which leaves us to marry the girl next door. The girl we’ve lived next to our entire life but were always a jerk right to her face. Ya, you gotta swallow your pride and admit that she’s the one and she was right under your nose the entire time. She is the boring choice, but the right choice. A less bitchy yet hotter version of Carmela from The Sopranos. She can cook up a storm and if you impregnate her you know she’s gonna be a good mom. That spicy italian temper will whip your little asshole kids into shape and they will fear her more than 8am Sunday Church. Hopefully that softball body is gone and she hits the spin class regularly with the same group of friends she watches real house wives of New Jersey with. Her loud voice can shatter glass and without the proper make up and correct lighting she can go from a 7 to a 4 real quick. Angela “Sugar Pop” Delvecchio: Marry.
Tweet me your choices @TheeWillKelly