#Coolin 2/9/2016

coolin

Every now and then I like to go on Instagram and check out some of the posts under #Coolin. Real good crowd in there doing all types of different activities. From time to time I will highlight a few standouts in this series.

I present #Coolin:

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Taking the edge off before work 2ma with the old Henny/Red Bull combo. Thank God he got the paper towels in the shot.

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Cubs guy just trying to let the world know he’s off work and that he didn’t need a filter for this particular shot. 1 like per hour is the ideal ratio.

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Little headband/shirtless action here from frank. Obviously the go to outfit for a selfie when you’re #coolin’ reminiscing. 

Coolin 5

Quality shot here from the homie, morganic. You’re not gonna not put the gold switchy on IG.

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sosa.moe just trying to blend in the with the Cali locals at the beach

Coolin 7

 

job_jab getting in the mix with an absolute curveball 

Coolin 8

If a ginger wakes up early, but doesn’t let everybody on his feed know does it even count? 

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MaD FaCes! Probably cause you’re shoving your middle finger right in his neck. Tough love or GTFO.

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Glizzy lettin’ em know hes #dt

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Swag ass haircut. Ignore the tags but here’s like 20 of them.

 

I’ll be #coolin on twitter @TheeWillKelly

 

 

 

 

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Johnny Rock Bottom

ESPN– “Manziel hit ex-girlfriend Colleen Crowley so hard that it ruptured her left eardrum, Crowley’s attorney told Dallas-Fort Worth television station NBC5 on Monday. Manziel is the subject of a criminal investigation into the alleged assault that took place in the early hours of Jan. 30. Crowley spoke with Dallas police on Friday to file the complaint.”

If you think your Superbowl hangover is bad imagine how Johnny Football is feeling right about now. You know that feeling after you do something really really stupid? You go into a full panic and your brain races a mile a minute trying to think about what you just did. I would guess Johnny is feeling that about a million times over today as he is getting as close to rock bottom as you can possibly get. Free falling and the ground below him is starting to get a lot closer.

This snowball effect all started with him taking on the persona of Billy Vegas and missing a Sunday meeting to officially close out the Browns season. Going to Vegas spur of the moment in the middle of the night when you know you have to be at a meeting in Cleveland the next morning sounds like the move of a guy on a bender with money to spend. “Lets just go to fuckin’ Vegas. Fuck it. I’ll post a picture of me and my dog on instagram so everyone thinks I’m still here. Perfect. Then, uh, I donno man, I’ll just wear a disguise or some shit. We can figure it out when we get there.” 

That move was the straw that broke the back of the Cleveland Browns who are now jsut waiting until they can legally cut Manziel from the team. He then lost his marketing team and his agent. His dad recently came out and said unless Johnny accepts help he might not live another year, and even that wasn’t enough. My own dad has been disappointed with me more than a few times in my life, but if he ever came out and told the media I might not live another year that would fuck me up. But then for Johnny to go and lose his girlfriend, the one person who has been loyal to him this whole time. The girl that helped him through his entire NFL career. Hit her so hard that he shattered her ear drum, allegedly threatened to kill them both, and now has a 2 year restraining order filed against him. Add all that up and it gets you a ticket on the bus that drives Johnny straight to Rock Bottom.

And for the record I love Johnny. He’s been one of my favorite athletes since his freshman year at A&M. I still think that he could be a decent QB in the pros if he focused his mind on football and I would love to watch him lace up on Sundays. He needs to figure it out, get himself cleaned up and pray that one of the football gods (Jerry Jones) grants him a second chance to play in the NFL.

How the Fuck Did Carrier Pigeons Even Work?

With the Superbowl kicking off tomorrow naturally everyone is wondering the same thing today. How the fuck did carrier pigeons operate? I mean really think about it for a second. Based on my experience with Pigeons, which includes but is not limited to, hoping they get the hell out of the way when I’m driving per the pact that George Costanza signed with them:Screen shot 2016-02-06 at 2.52.28 PM

From everything I’ve seen up to this point in my life I think it’s safe to say they aren’t the smartest birds in the game. Always just walking around in packs and hanging out in alleys like a bunch of homeless people. They shit on stuff all day long, beg for food, and 9 times out of 10 they have some type of missing body part. Not exactly the bird of choice to  deliver important information out alone in the elements. So how the hell did they function? I have a million questions.

  • How did they know where to fly and once they get to the actual destination how are they supposed to get to the letter to the right person?
  • Do they fly solo or in pairs?
  • Why did the pigeons keep doing this in the first place? This is like letting inmates at a prison run a couple errands for you and hope they come back to the jail when they’re done.Didn’t any of them think “You know what fuck this shit, man. Next time he lets us out I’m going AWOL. Carry your own God Damn messages, Steve.” 
  • Why did they pick pigeons in the first place? What about a Carrier Hawk or a Carrier Eagle one time? Those things are 100 times smarter and faster.
  • How much distance we talking here. Did they just go from town to town or these things flying cross country and shit?
  • Can they only go from A to B and back? It’s not like you can just tell thing “Hey can you fly this note over to Gary in New York?” You gotta figure the thing is brainwashed and only knows how to fly to one exact location every single time.
  • How long do you wait until you realize that the bird didn’t make it? Got eaten, injured, captured or died from the cold?

Can you imagine having to send a bunch of important information to someone and your best bet is that a fuckin’ mindless bird somehow doesn’t get eaten or killed or injured. Depending on the distance some of these people were probably on edge for weeks. You know that feeling when you’re waiting for a text back and you see those 3 little dots. That is the longest wait of your life. Those 3 seconds feel like an hour. Longest seconds in the game. Longer than treadmill seconds and microwave seconds. Imagine feeling that for like 2 weeks. Brutal! No wonder those people had such a short life span. They were stressed out of their fuckin’ minds for half their life.

I’m gonna take a minute today and just thank God that I don’t have to deal with shit like that and that he had the foresight to create people like Steve Jobs so I can rely on technology to do all the work for me instead of a winged rat.

Send me a tweet that will get to me in milliseconds @TheeWillKelly

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Girl Scout Cookies, Ranked

It is officially girl scout cookie season again (am I the only one that feels like this is similar to shark week where it occurs every couple of months?). I was made aware of this because of the many all staff emails I’ve received from every poor bastard in my office who has a daughter and now has a sign up outside his cube with instructions on how to order cookies. Gotta be brutal having a girl in the scouts. Honestly, I don’t think anyone even know what the fuck a girl scout does.

The mission statement on  their website is pretty much exactly what you would expect:

girl scouts

Jesus H. Christ. Who is the basic bitch in charge of PR that wrote that up? Can’t you have fun and make friends at school like a normal 3rd grader? And I’ll tell you what planting roses in the middle of a park with some “Can’t let the past go” Scout Leader with absolutely massive triceps isn’t exactly my idea of a “fantastic new adventure”.

I can’t believe people fathers actually pay for their daughters to join this shit. Not only do you have to pay for clothes, toys, bikes, hair care shit, new shoes every month, and knee pads (for bike safety). You also have to pay a yearly fee so little Susie can go to the local YMCA every Wednesday at 3:30 and make macaroni art with her friends Patsy and Joyce.  And on top of that once a year your daughter turns into a cookie sales slave pedaling cheap cookies for a huge mark up just so they can fund everything! The fact that this organization has somehow managed to make a profit every year since 1912 is lunacy. Nothing but pure cookie profits keeping that ship afloat.

Speaking of cookies let us get to the rankings.

Meet the Cookies will give you breakdown of every type. Things like price and quantity are a non-factor. Only thing that matters is deliciousness.

  1. Samoas
  2. Tagalongs
  3. Trios
  4. Thin Mints
  5. Do-Si-Dos (Peanut Butter Sandwich)
  6. -11.  The rest

The fact that there are 11 choices is insanity. Nobody even knows what the fuck most of these are. Cranberry Citrus Crisps? Fuck outta here with that. Girl scouts that actually wanna make money should just sell the same 3 flavors over and over so I don’t have to look at 19 boxes of Toffee-Tastics and Rah-Rah Raisins in the breakroom every damn day.

Disagree? Chirp the hell out of me @TheeWillKelly

 

 

Why Not: KD to the Cavs

Ya ya I know we’re not even halfway through the current NBA season yet, but lets listen to Drake and consider some plot lines for Summer ’16. We’ve all been hearing the echoes for the last few years about where Kevin Durant is gonna land in free agency. Most popular opinions are either re-sign with the Thunder (bad move, KD), go home and play for the Wizards (decent choice, KD), or maybe even go to LA and play for the Purple & Gold (Great choice, KD!). But how about this, Kev, old buddy old pal..why not go play in Cleveland with your boy ‘Bron ‘Bron and make the smartest move of your career.

The only other thing like this we have ever seen in free agency would be Lebron and Bosh to the Heat. You could argue that Dwight and Harden in Houston is kinda similar but it didn’t work out all that great.

So if you’re KD, why not give it some thought?

KD

He hasn’t responded just yet, either because hes in the middle of a game that’s in the 3rd quarter or because I’m some idiot who only has like 130 followers. Either way. But really lets think about this:

  • Lebron and KD are both free agents after this season and they could work out a deal to each take less money from the team to make the cap situation work
  • The cap is getting its largest increase ever. They would probably have to bite the bullet and trade Love and get next to nothing in return, but who wouldn’t make that deal?
  • Athletes love being the center of attention and no sports team in the world would have more hype than the Cavs with Durant
  • Chemistry won’t be a problem. Lebron loves to pass, they have worked out together in the offseason multiple times, and played on Olympic teams together
  • You can get any endorsement deal you want.
  • KD will be stuck for the majority of his career having to battle with Curry in the west and Lebron in the east. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
  • Yes, everybody would call you a coward and whatever saying you can’t win it on your own. Fuck them. In the modern era NBA no single star has lead their team to a title. Everyone needs help and these days the price of admission to the NBA finals is a minimum of 2 superstars.
  • You want to win a title? You can practically guarantee that Cavs team would make it to at least 4 out of the next 5 NBA championships and the odds of winning 1/4 are good enough for everyone except Jim Kelly.

Cleveland is the place where both KD and Lebron can put themselves in the best position to win multiple titles and cement themselves as the most popular sports team in the world for at least 5 years straight.

Drunk Girl Tries to Hijack an Uber, Doesn’t Go Well for Her

 

 

ABC Action News “Miami woman’s attack on an Uber driver was caught on camera last weekend and has been making the rounds online.The confrontation was recorded in the Brickell area of Miami on Sunday. The video shows a woman struggling with the male Uber driver and attempting to kick him. When the driver gets back in the car, the woman climbs into the passenger seat and begins trashing the car.  She throws several items at the driver and tosses papers out the window.”

I’ve never even heard of Brickell, Miami but it sounds exactly like the type of place where a super drunk latina chick would try and hijack an Uber and then trash the place after not getting her way.

The video starts of right in the middle of the action where Felicia (she looks like one) comes out swinging at Euro Uber dude who just realized he should have stayed on the couch tonight instead of trying to make a few extra bucks. You gotta feel for the guy here. This is like trying to deal with your super drunk girlfriend times a million and everything you’re doing is being recorded. He can’t fight back and he can’t flee the scene. Either way Uber probably canned his ass. Total lose lose here for Dmitri.

“Police later caught up with the woman, who began crying and apologizing.  The driver reportedly accepted a cash settlement in lieu of pressing charges, according to the video’s publisher. The woman has been identified as a second-year neurology resident at University of Miami, according to Local10.com.”

Felicia wins a few pity points here now that we know she is a 2nd year neuro student. They should knock $1000 off her sentence just for surviving an entire year of learning the intricacies of the human brain. Not only has her old man paid for entire year of this shit, he just took a 2am phone call from the Brickell drunk tank saying his daughter needed a $10,000 bail bond. Get that guy a wild turkey neat you know he’s been dealing with Felicias shit for 20 years now. You can only hope he has a younger son who is on the path to success and can support Felicia for the rest of her life before she settles for being the receptionist at a Vet Clinic in Tampa.

 

P.S.

Love that she went with the classic “cried and apologized” move that every girl in the world tries to pull anytime they fuck up. Everyone knows it coming and it never works, yet they all swear by it. Maybe if I just say I’m really really sorry a couple more times I’ll be off the hook. The only move for a chick to pull off in that scenario is a sexual favor, or in Felicias case just have your dad cut the guy a check so he doesn’t have to call his lawyer…again.

Marry, Fuck, Kill: Backyard Baseball

2/3/16 Update: /r/baseball didn’t see the humor in itScreen shot 2016-02-03 at 7.13.09 PM

A quality marry, fuck, kill debate can liven up any social situation. Don’t matter where you are, if you drop a hot take Marry, Fuck, Kill around a group of people you can kill 20 minutes easy. Sitting at a boring ass wine and cheese monday night bachelor view party that your woman dragged your ass to? Ask the girl next to you what her play would be if she had to pick between Oprah, Rosie O’Donnell, and Hillary Clinton. (money is a non-factor of course) and Boom! you’re off and running with a high quality topic.

Today’s breakdown takes us back to the golden age of the late 90’s. The collective youth of America dialed into our shitty ass computer screens with Windows ’97 running slower than Newman escaping that farm after he porked the farmers daughter. Screen shot 2016-01-20 at 8.08.17 PM

There is only one rule: Money doesn’t count. Personality and looks are the only things were going off here.I present…Marry, Fuck, Kill: Backyard Baseball.

The candidates are as follows:Screen shot 2016-01-20 at 7.35.51 PMScreen shot 2016-01-20 at 7.37.28 PMScreen shot 2016-01-20 at 7.38.53 PM

There were quite a few choices to select from but a man only has so many roses to give out so these are 3 were going with. Hearing a lot of rumors talking about a huge snub job not going with Jocinda Smith in the top 3 and even a few pulling the race card. Simply not the case, but she stays in the friendzone for this breakdown. Bye Felicia.

 

Candiate #1: Angela Delvecchio

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Right off the bat Angela strikes me as a classic girl next door type. You’ve lived on the same street as each other your entire lives and you never gave her the time of day. She was always the gross chick who wanted to join in playing street sports with you and your buddies and it pissed you the fuck off cause you don’t need some annoying ass italian broad jamming up your wiffle ball game and making the teams uneven and shit. Take a hike, bitch. But then her mom starts talking to your mom and says how nice it would be if she could join. Alright fuck it you can be all time pitcher and we’ll just hit Yabos until we break her spirit and she goes home to choke on a cannoli. But suddenly she throws straight high heat and strikes you the fuck out in front of all your boys you’re embarrassed as fuck and now you hate the bitches guts even more.

Fast forward a few years and you notice one day she’s started to develop a little bit. Ditched the braces and the overalls and starts to look like a new person and you’re ashamed to admit that you were wrong. Only problem is she’s a pitcher on the softball team and she fuckin’ rakes! Scholarship offers to legit programs and shit. You could never be seen with this chick in public cause it would mean you’re dating the softball super star. No way to get away with it, brutal.

Candidate #2: Billy Jean Blackwood

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“The Beauty Queen of the Bayou.” Been a smoke her entire life and she and everybody else knows it. She’s hot and her friends are hotter. Getting like 4-5,000 likes per post she’s insta-famous headed for internet superstardom if she wants it. Dumber than a brick, but nobody cares. Life handed to her on a silver platter and shit. You’ve jerked off to the thought of banging her more than once. 

She can do whatever she wants forever. Gonna marry rich if she wants, get any job she wants just cause she’s hot, or just spend her dads money (ya she has a rich dad too). Played a little first base when she was younger, but now she’s obviously too cool to play sports or get a job. She spends her time hanging with old dudes with a better job than you and more money than you. While you’re in the office on a Tuesday she’s with Dan Bilzerian in Cancun shooting propane and propane accessories out of a helicopter. 

Candidate #3: Gretchen Hasselhoff

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A fast talking lefty whose Russian ass can hold her own in any situation. That is a lethal combo. On paper this commie has a hell of a stat sheet. She can only go all out and then give up due to exhaustion. There is no in-between, no moderation. She goes till she can’t anymore and then goes some more. A purebread sprinter and distance runner she had the best of both worlds and her track coach couldn’t get enough. Offered multiple times to stay late after school and her dad was right to tell him to fuck off, pervert. Speaking of her old man he is rumored to be in big the mob and a typical russian scumbag. Could be a distant cousin of Putins. Gretchen has all of her old mans traits and is skilled and proficient with multiple weapons, probably.

Gretchen doesn’t hang out with anyone you know and doesn’t seem to have any friends. She’s got a thick Russian accent and the ex KGB guy who drives her around everyday in a Black SUV doesn’t speak a lick of english. You’ve seen her out at the bars one time and it was with a whole bunch of dudes you’re not trying to approach anytime soon.

The Breakdown:

All 3 are strong candidates and you would probably fuck all of them if you had the choice, but that ain’t how this show runs. Life is fuckin’ tough and we all gotta make choices, and thats why I start off with killing Billy Jean Blackwood. Ya she’s hot and you would do anything to fuck her brains out for 8 seconds. This is a tough choice, yet the right one. She’s a huge bitch and used to fucking guys with way more money and way more experience…and if were being honest you don’t have the kind of hammer that cant satisfy an experienced whore like the “Beauty Queen of the Bayou”: Kill.

And then there were two. Both very fuckable, but there is an obvious choice. You have to plow the mysterious Russian mob daughter here. Few people on this planet will ever have the chance to get with this eastern block minx. She will talk in Russian to you the entire time and take you to another planet. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity that only a fool passes up. The icing on the cake her nickname is Jabber Jaw and you’d be wise to take a few shots of Stoli and let her prove that to you. JabberJaw: Fuck. 

Which leaves us to marry the girl next door. The girl we’ve lived next to our entire life but were always a jerk right to her face. Ya, you gotta swallow your pride and admit that she’s the one and she was right under your nose the entire time. She is the boring choice, but the right choice. A less bitchy yet hotter version of Carmela from The Sopranos. She can cook up a storm and if you impregnate her you know she’s gonna be a good mom. That spicy italian temper will whip your little asshole kids into shape and they will fear her more than 8am Sunday Church. Hopefully that softball body is gone and she hits the spin class regularly with the same group of friends she watches real house wives of New Jersey with. Her loud voice can shatter glass and without the proper make up and correct lighting she can go from a 7 to a 4 real quick. Angela “Sugar Pop” Delvecchio: Marry.

 

Tweet me your choices @TheeWillKelly

I’m a Super Big Rams Fan Now

Big day for all 10 million new Rams fans as you can finally place your deposit for 2016 season tickets. The Rams front office has wasted no time at all swapping out that St. Louis on the front of the jersey in exchange for Los Angeles (sorry St. Louis residents you guys are great sports fans and got bent over a barrel). But as a kid who grew up just south of LA and spent a lot of weekends at UCLA and USC games on Saturdays I can honestly say I’m excited to have an  NFL team to root for.

Growing up I was stuck in the middle ground on how to pick an NFL team. The Rams left before I really knew what football was and the Chargers were a little too far south and I didn’t know anything about them at all (and honestly something about them just bores the hell out of me). Up north I had the Raiders or the 49ers but they are both 5 hours from LA and attached to San Francisco which left me stuck in-between all 3 showing none of them loyalty.

So how do I pick a team? Can you just throw a dart one day and all of the sudden be a huge __________ fan? I interned for the Dolphins in Miami on 2 different occasions, does that give me enough juice to justify becoming a Fins fan out of the clear blue sky? I’ve always been a huge TB12 fan, but that doesn’t mean I love the Pats. Can I just show up to the bar one Sunday in a Tommy Football jersey and say “oh well I don’t have a team so I’m a Pats fan now.” Nah. Weak move. Sports don’t work like that. If one one of my buddies did something like that they would get chirped hard and God knows would never be able to live that down.

To me there was only one answer to the above question; I won’t have a favorite NFL team until LA gets one back. And honestly the fact that it took the NFL 20 years to get a team to the 2nd biggest city in the country is a joke. Figure it out one time for me.

So yes 20 years later I am a Rams fan now and I don’t care what people say I’m excited to be able to rep them on Sundays. Sure I won’t be a diehard fan right off the bat and if they lose its not gonna ruin my Sundays just yet. But after 2 or 3 seasons of emotional investing in the team I think I will get to that diehard status with Rams gear in my room and a Todd Gurley jersey shirt on. Side note for anyone over the age of 13; it’s only acceptable to wear a jersey if you’re going to the game itself, tailgating at the game, at a playoff watch party, or you’re snowboarding. If you’re not doing one of those activities leave the jersey at home, guy.

#HornUp #RamEm #RamJam

I don’t know what the fuck were supposed to say or what hashtags to use but I’m glad the 20 year wait is over and LA has a football team again. Shit I might start shopping for hats now.

Also if Johnny LA happens I take back everything I said about wearing jerseys

BnD5bafIIAAADA-

 

Flow of the Week 1/15

As a man who has been growing his hair out for the better part of 7 months I have come to appreciate others who have taken the time to grow their hair in the hopes of being gifted with some flow. It is in this weekly space that I would like to highlight certain individuals and recognize their efforts… I present Flow of the Week.

The inaugural recipient of FOTW is University of Oklahoma DE #96, Mitch Tate.

A few weeks before they got their shit pushed in by the all time gambling backdoor GOAT that is Clemson, I happened to notice Mitch on the sidelines late one saturday night. Mitch’s uni was pretty clean and he didn’t seem too stressed out out on the sidelines, not a huge PT guy, Mitch.

I had no choice except to pause it and capture the magic myself.

 

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Just great all around stuff from Mitch. Hard to figure that big game Bobby Stoops doesn’t utilize a guy with lettuce like that. Mitch took a wrong turn going to the hockey rink and ended up on the gridiron instead. Love the headband in the team photo also, power move.

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I hit Mitch on Twitter and he took the time out of his day to let me know he appreciated me. Man to man, flow to flow.

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Great stuff all around from Mitch and he even gave me a follow which cements him as the winner of the inaugural FOTW.

Any nominations or just wanna tell me to kick rocks I can be reached @TheeWillKelly

2016 Investment Plan: Scratch Offs

I’m not a big “new year, new me” guy, and quite frankly I think the whole concept is pretty stupid. In my view January 1st is just the next day on the calendar, it aint any different from the day before or the day after. Same shit as when you’re having that forced conversation with your Aunt on your birthday every god damn year. “How does it feel to be 15???” The same it felt yesterday god damnit..now does the birthday card have cash in it or not.

Every year people trick themselves into thinking this is their chance to start fresh and do any of the bullshit they could have been doing on any other of the 364 days of the year but they put it off.  January 1st is the time to do it! I’m gonna lose weight, exercise every day, stop smoking, try harder at work, go to church, and be a better person forever!! Fuck you, 95%  of people quit their resolutions before the 1st week of January is over.

Which brings me to my New Years Resolution….this year putting all my money into scratch offs. Thats it. No stock market, not flipping any houses, shark tank, or making a call to investacenter.

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Nope, straight up scratchers. I played the Powerball too because you fuckin have to. I can skip buying a 12 pack if it gives me a Big Sexy Bartolo inside the park home runs chance to be a billionaire. But some asshole midwest couple and a prick in Chino won that money.

So far Uncle Sam has landed a few jabs and I’ve countered with one $40 cash in. As it currently sits halfway through the month I’ve spent $90 and won $41..netting me a loss of $49.

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Some might call it a slow start and they would be right, but every rich person knows the investment game is all about pacing..Uncle Sam is a man of persistence and wont just reward any jerkoff who drops $90 in 2 weeks and calls it a day. America was built for men who are all about the long haul. I see Uncle Sam’s initial push and I will call his bluff, continuing to purchase scratchers at a steady rate of around $30 a week with a few drunken purchases in between.

So far:

  • 10 $1 monkey scratchers…only wining $1 there.
  • 3 $20 books each includes 6 games to win….won $40 there
  • 4 $5 scratchers…which have netted jack shit

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Thats where I currently stand $40 in the hole. Bought a $20 book last night and got absolutely smoked..0 burger city, but I will not be deterred so quickly. I will go down with the ship or until I literally cant afford it anymore on my shitty salary. Gotta figure this is gonna work out in my favor though.

If anyone has a preferred scratcher that they think is lucky or has a success rate better than 0% ROI you can tweet me @TheeWillKelly